No damn facades.
I am trying to put all that’s in my heart into words.
I think I’ve been trying hard to fit into my current situation. Been trying to feel at home with the people around me. Somehow no matter what I do or force myself to think, I still don’t feel like there’s a lot of things that I can relate to with them and it’s getting rather stressful for me.
I like to be left alone at times and I get a bit too much into my loner zones at times cause I simply don’t get the jokes, like the company and the topic simply bores me.
I ‘ve been thinking about some probable reasons as to why its so hard for me to swing with this group and here’s the list:
1) Differing Background
2) Maybe they are so smart, I cant catch what they are saying
3) They are so efficient at what the do, all i seem to be doing is bugging them
4) We don’t think or speak alike
5) Too many smart people around- everyone thinks in too many layers.. its hard to get a straight answer
Think all my reasons are super similar…
Have I thought that somehow its my personality that puts them off? Yea, I have. Have I though that its my upbringing and my weird ass nature that gets to them, yes I have.
To worsen matters, my other half is in Philippines and will be away for almost 3 weeks sometime in June.
I do a pretty decent job of taking care of myself when he’s not around. But there’s not a hell of a lot of people I trust in this world.. I have told him many a times before , if he should go before me, I will end up talking to myself a lot and probably end up trusting family and myself.
I have stayed in a foreign land, so very far away, for a year. I can never forget how that land broke me apart and left me to mend myself back together bit by bit…I spoke with a friend after returning from that xenophobic land and she commented that I sounded so different, more matured( aka Boring) , and I sounded like I had grown up… Right now I really wonder what happened to all the strength I mustered in Munich? Right now I really need that strength.
Its pretty quiet in my heart and mind right now, cause all that emotion I have inside is making me numb and absolutely emotionless.
Being an adult is no fun. Who do you trust? You and yourself. That’s who I must learn to trust all over again
